Hitting refresh

Hi folks! I’m back on WP after a few weeks off. The break gave me time to read a lot of books and get caught up on the news. This freed me from my inner thought patterns a little bit and gave me perspective. I think we all need a vacation from all aspects of life, however enjoyable it might be, from time to time.

Where I’m at now: I think I’m finally stable, and will be for quite a while. I’ve said that I was sort of stable before, but this time, I’m actually, for once, confident in saying that. And it feels amazing and improbable at the same time that this period will last. I can’t remember feeling this well for this extended amount of time in years, including the years before I got diagnosed with bipolar.

Also, here is another responsibility that comes with feeling stable: I need to figure my shit out. Maybe not right away, but soon. I need a direction: personally and professionally. I was so cocksure of where I wanted to be and where I would be in life before my breakdown spiritual awakening, but since then, I feel like my elaborate life plan has been wiped off from the dry erase board mistakenly by a maintenance dude overnight. So yeah. I’m still lost with how to recreate myself and spend the rest of my life (or even just the rest of this year).

Instead of this assignment being a burden (as it was a few months ago), this time, it feels almost a little bit exciting, thanks to the stability in my energy levels and mood. I’ve been working out every single day, like I used to (because I finally physically can!), improving my art- both drawing and painting, rebuilding my wardrobe to fit my true style, and just enjoying the weather.

All in all, this is just to say that I have no idea where I’m headed, but it’s all right for now. So, we’ll see.

Silent (online) retreat

Hi folks- So, I’ve decided to do a version of a silent retreat on my own. Of course, that is impossible living in the modern world, you have bills to pay and angry excuse me’s to tend to, so I will have to be lenient when I’m outside of my home. But otherwise, I’m going to be spending a lot of time just being; being myself. This is really important to me because it pertains to my personal growth, aka. the stuff that I’m working on in therapy- I want to get more comfortable being in my own skin, because as long as I could remember, I never felt comfortable being myself; I never felt home, secure, connected (see insecure attachment in Attachment Theory if you’re wondering why). I felt like I was always changing myself to fit into a group, or alter my opinions to agree with the person I was talking to. More than a quarter of my life has gone by, and I don’t know if I can live feeling like that. I already got off of Facebook more than a year ago, and Instagram 6 months ago, and I’ve been struggling with taking a break with WP because you guys are fantastic. But as anything with a newsfeed goes, you get to spend more time on it, and more brain juice. I basically want to cut down the time I am online in order to meditate more, and really explore who I am as a person, because I don’t think I’ve ever in my life stopped to inquire it. Basically, I’m being selfish and making me time. There I said it.

I will be back with new reflections to share a few weeks. Until then- lots of hugs.

Late therapy update, more on anger

I feel like I’ve been away for awhile. It doesn’t mean that I, all of a sudden, stopped having intrusive thoughts, anxiety and everything else I write about due to having bipolar. In fact, it is the opposite- I tend to have nothing to write about (other than about my agonizing existence) when I go into a depressive episodes because things get so chaotic up there. I don’t know, I fell into depression and I must be improving because things are easier to manage. Bad thoughts are easier to brush off, it’s easier to laugh, and I can write again.

I still haven’t done my homework from my last therapy session, which was monitoring my anger. Or rather, knowing what makes me angry, since I hardly ever outwardly express it. C thinks it’s the root of my depression: my inability to know that I’m angry, and my inability to express it outwardly. I’m, of all things, a placid person- not even my family, who has seen me through thick and thin, has seen me lose it. Anger frightens me. According to C, it comes from my childhood experience of witnessing a violently verbally abusive (and some physically) household from a very young age, if you want to be technical about it. No one was physically hurt, but from an early age, I carried the hurt inside, and was careful not to unleash my anger for anyone to see. I’m not sure if I believe that to be my “core reason” but I do hate confrontation, and my heart rate goes a million bpm if I ever get into something like it. C asked, what triggers your anger? Is it unfairness? Worry (like a mother yelling at her child for not being in touch)? I had no idea anger could be other than anger and could be based off of another emotion. Anger was really complicated.

My mother later told me that there were times when she sensed my anger. She said that she saw annoyance in my eyes, and I was very uncomfortable- I just didn’t say anything, though. I probably had no idea that I was angry at the time.

And, look- I don’t know if fixing this will help me not be depressed, but I know that the meds are working close to their optimal level. So I’m going to give this a try.