Therapy (emotionally) hurt today. It was like putting salt in the wound, or breaking a piece of bone that was healing the wrong way. I’m not mad about it, but I acknowledge that it hurt really badly.
It was about my workaholism and how I bend backwards to please people who are paying for me to do any job. I noticed that whatever I do, whether I love the thing that I’m doing or not, I get obsessive about it. I compulsively checking for errors, or redoing things that don’t really need redoing just because I see flaws. And I see flaws everywhere in my work- I cannot unsee it. That usually ends up costing me my health and my sanity, and sometimes, as a result, my job.
It’s a sensitive topic for me because I am more self conscious about my work product than myself as a person. I can laugh off jokes about how I look and how I talk, but I have a hard time laughing off jokes about my abilities or intellectual capacity. I take other people’s opinions about them more seriously than I should, and it’s a weakness that I’m aware of.
I hate that I had to go back and access the memories right before I got hospitalized etc. to talk about these issues I had with C, but there was no other way to process. I got really upset talking about it and had to miss my class afterwards because I felt like I was retraumatized. I think it was a useful discussion to have, but with my confidence so low and my depression not yet gone, it was extremely difficult for me to talk through reasons why I could not stay at my old job like most normal people.
Speaking of normality, I feel isolated and sad because I remembered that I lost all my friends before my diagnosis. I made some new ones, but it’s hard to have the same kind of conversations with someone new. I worry that once I get older and when my parents are no longer there, I will literally have no one, and that I’m going to die alone in my apartment and not be found while my cat eats my face to survive.
I just read everything again, and clearly I’m spiraling tonight.