In the middle of a depressive episode, nothing you do looks good enough to yourself. Today I’m at the worst of it. Smack down in the middle of the depression/hypomanic cycle, in the depression part. All the things I enjoy on a “good day,” drawing, painting, writing on this blog even… It all becomes so draining, rather than fulfilling. l used to make art every single day for a few months, mostly of drawings of animals, but now that has gotten harder to start (again, like the last episode). I used to feel so good about making art. I used to blog a lot more frequently, but I haven’t recently since I entered this phase. It’s the feeling of running dry- I’m not quite sure of what. Will to live? Motivation? Willingness? Creativity? Thoughts of death came back to my brain once again, but not the plans. That’s important. Not having plans. Death that is not personal, but general and removed.
I’m in this hamster wheel of recovery that I can’t get out of. I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying everything to sleep right, eat right, do the right things and think the right things. I’m using skills I learned from group. I’m in therapy every single day, Monday through Friday- both individual and group. I don’t miss my meds, ever. I’m going to start volunteering this week, and the week after that, and I’m going to step down from my day hospital soon, which everyone calls “the bubble” because it’s safe and secure from the big and cruel world. But the truth is, my meds are still not working for me during times like these. It isn’t not helping, but it’s not helping enough for me to be functioning normally. Because I’m trying to be more compassionate, so on behalf of myself I will say this: this isn’t laziness. When I’m feeling catatonic, making me to go for a walk in the park is like asking a pig to fly.
Someone in my group suggested this, though: I have to find something pleasurable at whatever level of depression I’m in. On an easier day, I can shoot for finishing a painting. But on a more difficult day, that won’t be possible- especially as a perfectionist- I’ll dread starting the paining because I will feel like a failure if I don’t finish, or paint as well as I would if I were feeling better. So instead, I’ll have to shoot for something easier when the depression gets bad. There are easier things I could do like, color part of a coloring book, instead of doing something that requires more work, more creativity. Read a book. Watch a movie. Crochet. I just have to keep myself moving.
My family and friends (who are still with me, I lost so many during the recovery process) are so encouraging and hopeful when I don’t see the hope. I feel like I’m like a professional patient and a lost cause (listen, it’s month 6 that I’ll be in some kind of a mental health facility), but my mother tells me that I’m going to have my life again soon, and that I will be able to have a normal job and friends, relationship etc… I would be so grateful if any one of those things became real at this point.
It’s been too many months to remember what I used to be, or what I aspired to be, but maybe that is for the better.