I’m dissociating a little today, so bear with me if this account seems a little fragmented with little detail.
Looking back at today’s therapy session, C seemed to be impatient with me. She looked at me like I was a tangled mess that needed a pull in a certain direction- but no matter how much she tugged and how many questions she asked, I remained tangled. I felt uncomfortable during the pauses where she looked like she was racking her brain, deeply searching for answers. I haven’t felt like this with her before, but I distinctly felt like I was the problem in the room. It doesn’t feel great to be felt that way, when in reality you literally are the problem that the therapist is solving. I mean, it’s their job.
How I’m feeling may not be what was intended, on her end of course. I’m not going to try to mind read what it could have been, because those thoughts will swallow me whole. It could have also been the compounding hopelessness that I haven’t been able to escape from, recently. Feeling much like a lost cause. C did say that I have a strong internal locus of control, so I should not be apologizing and making everything my fault, when it actually isn’t. So. Today’s session was weird. End of story.
When I brought up the fact that I was dissociating a lot again, and that my physical health has a strong correlation with my mental health (e.g. my energy levels fluctuate depending on my place in the depression/hypomanic cycle, hunger is a strong trigger for dissociation), she brought up the fact that she has a client who dissociates, but still manages to go to class and live a regular life. Ah, yes- the comparison card. I’ve gotten that before about having bipolar: she had another client who also has bipolar, but manages to have a relationship, hold a job, and do other “normal” things. I can see when taken out of context of our conversation, that is supposed to give me hope and imbue positivity, but right now, as a depressed someone with a strong internal locus of control, I feel like I’m failing in this battle to keep it together and stay stable. I can’t function and my mind has gone mad- reminding me and torturing me with intrusive thoughts, and there is no exercise program, or correctness in sleep hygiene that is helping.
C wanted me to process the events in the intrusive thoughts. I said I would be highly uncomfortable to bring that up, because those thoughts will circle around me for the whole day, so I wanted it locked up in a box for now. Too fragile to do that yet, she assumed. Full stop.
C: Well, you can’t change the past now, so let’s correct what is going on in your current relationship. Me: I kind of don’t have friends in the city. My only meaningful relationship I have in person is with my mom. C: (something along the lines of, let’s try to find new friends somehow).
She noted that when I tell my stories, I tell them matter-of-factly, instead of speaking about how I felt about the situation. I said I wanted to be as objective as possible. There is always a war inside me between what is true and what is nice to hear. But there is no objective truth in relationships, said C. Me: The jury on that would be what most people would think is correct. Topic changed.
I need to express my emotion in a healthy way, all the uncomfortable ones like anger, sadness, annoyance etc. As an over controlled person (see RO DBT), I do not like losing control of my emotions, especially the strong ones, because it makes me uncomfortable/embarrassed to think that I would be acting outside of my ideal character.
That was therapy today. All I know is I have my work cut out for me. I’m going to my psychiatrist to sort my meds tomorrow. I hope I won’t be dissociating by tomorrow.