Follow up (what it actually was)

In the last post I talk about what I would say to someone who doesn’t know what to say to a depressed person. It was what I wanted to say to my boyfriend, but was too afraid to say out loud.

I had a difficult talk with him (finally, after dragging my feet) about how some of the things that he said to me having depression were hurting me. I didn’t feel supported. I felt disconnected. I felt like he could never understand. I knew exactly what I needed to say to him, and I thought I knew what he would say back. But I was so wrong about that.

I was missing the main piece. I was missing that it wasn’t the truth, what he actually thought. It couldn’t have been further from the truth.

He said he only compared what I’m going through with what he went through because he couldn’t understand and he was trying to empathize- not that he was trying to belittle how little I did throughout the day. What he was feeling was frustration, not disappointment, embarrassment, or any of the things I felt about myself. He said that he believed what I am going through, all the roller coaster of feelings, were real and I wasn’t just making it up. It was all in my head.

I don’t know why it was so hard to ask him these things. I was so scared what I thought were “real” were actually going to be real. I was scared that he would leave if I brought it up. I was scared of sounding stupid. I even had a panic attack afterwards.

I’m starting to figure out some of my triggers. I get triggered by anything that is overwhelming (goals, task lists that seem insurmountable). I also get triggered by people reacting negatively (even if it wasn’t my fault) because I take it personally and think it’s my own fault. I’m not sure why, but that’s just how I am right now.

 

 

What to do during panic attacks

It’s been a constant uphill battle with my anxiety lately. In the last few days, it’s happened enough times that I see it coming, like a wave caused by a tsunami, approaching the shore faster than you can run. But you can’t run, and you’re caught dead in your tracks and the wave of anxiety engulfs you until you drown.

This morning was pleasant, and I was even able to go for a run without feeling too fatigued. Afterwards, I was sitting at Starbucks trying to do some work then I accidentally had tea with too much caffeine. Thus began my caffeine induced panic attack. Alarm bells were going off in my head, I felt tense, my heart rate sped up and my hands got sweaty all of a sudden. I got scared like someone was going to attack me. I was unable to move or respond to my mother who was asking me a question.

There is a technique that I’ve learned when I was hospitalized that helps with getting out of this “panic mode” called grounding. What it basically is, is describing the external surroundings around you in detail, which tells your brain that you are in a safe place. For example, you would list that, there are white painted walls with 3 paintings on each wall, the carpet is beige and fluffy, there is a desk with three pens in the pencil holder… and so on and so forth. This coupled with deep breathing helped to alleviate the panic for me.

Eventually I got out of that state and was able to breathe normally and not completely break down. It’s so scary to live every day knowing that these things could happen most unexpectedly. I still don’t know what is causing this build up of anxiety.